feelin' a little lonely here

I think it's because I don't have anyone to talk to on much of a regular basis. At least it feels that way. I do have family and friends but they're all in CA. Even though it's been years since I moved away the frequency of our phone conversations has remained exactly the same. I talk family every day and my closest friends at least once a week. The problem is I don't go out much because of the cost and I'd rather put the money where it serves me best long term. Paying off the bills! Now the beagle is a great company and an awesome listener but she severely lacks conversational skills. I think it's how I'm living life now that's the problem.

The irony here is that I've lived in a city for over two years where I'm surrounded by some 2.5 million people. You might think I'm socially awkward and unable to make friends but I'm no wallflower. Making friends has never been a hard thing for me to do, but I decided to treat it like dating. I'm abstaining from it because of what's been planned. I have made plenty of friends at work, but I'm one of those types who avoids mixing home and work life together. I learned years ago that I like to keep them separate to avoid complications. Another reason for this is when I moved to MN. I made lots of friends thinking I was staying there for many years to come. The bad economy changed that and I found myself in TX a year later. I was even expecting a repeat here since the economy was so bad, but things turned for the better. Since circumstances have been favorable I've been making the most of them for as long as they'll last me.

Some of you may be thinking how on earth will being alone on the road be better for me if I'm going through this now. Apples and oranges. One I tolerate as a means to an end, and the other is my preferred element. Being out there gives me a peace of mind and calm I don't get anywhere else. Meanwhile each day I live in a city feels like an assault on my very being. I mean both examples literally and figuratively.

Since I started writing this I think I pinpointed what's bothering me. It's not so much that I don't have friends to talk to, or that I suffer from a lack of human contact. I think it's my not being able share things that matter the most to me with someone who understands and feels the same way. I also realized that when I was homeless, and living in a tent, that I worried a great deal less about things like this. I spent most of that time enjoying the peace of the desert and living in the moment.

I need to be patient and make due here a little while longer. That life will be mine again soon, soon.