children and the living will

I've had a lot on my mind lately, almost too much to handle, but I've been working my way through it. Recently my sister was telling me about the hoops she and her hubs had to jump through. She asked if I had one, which I didn't, and suggested that I make one soon. Her urgency comes from a friend who had recently suffered a loss in the family. What she explained to me was a bit mind boggling. When I learned about all the details she had to consider in making out the will, I realized I had a lot more loose ends than I'd thought. The biggest one was Bridgette. If anything happened to me I want her to be with and live out her life with my family. This might seem kind of silly to some of you to worry about a dog like that, but she's what's important to me. She's alive. The rest of my stuff is just that, stuff. All those loose ends are taken care of now as well. Most of that stuff can and will be sold off to cover expenses. I purged a lot of the unnecessary stuff a few years ago which made this process I wouldn't say easier but a lot less tedious.

So when I was talking to sissy about her living will. What happens to the kids was a big part. She knows me better than I know myself, which I'm really thankful for. She'd already worked out who my nephew would be with, grandparent visitations, schools, and everything else you might think of. I suffered a mini panic attack when we were discussing it because if anything happened to my sissy and her hubs, I thought it would be me. It wasn't. She told me her main reason was because I'm on a different path and doesn't want to disrupt that. I need to finish this journey I'm currently on. That was huge and made me come to terms with the simple fact that I'm healing in a lot of ways I wasn't aware of. While we talked I finally voiced things that had been buried in me for a long time. I came to terms with a strong fear that I might treat a child the way I was and fatherhood may not be for me. I was spirited child with a father who was physically abusive and mentally abusive mother. I'm not playing the abuse card as there are aunts, uncles, and long standing family friends who have spent years telling them both to not do what they did. We've come to terms and worked things out, but are all still wrestling with demons past. They've expressed their regrets but it's also in their eyes when they see how well and differently my sister is raising her spirited son. Hearing sis say it's alright to be where I am and recognize it lifted the anxiety I was feeling. She pointed out that many people who have no business being parents irresponsibly bring children into the world. If only they recognized what I did it would've saved all involved a lot of damage. Will I ever be a dad? I don't know. I'm still working this out and maybe this was just the push to recognize it all so that I can finally figure it out. We'll see.