watching the wheels

So in the wake of leftovers-gate I stated that I'm leaving. I am, and soon. More on that, in another post though. Families are a very wonderful, complex, and infuriating thing at varying times. All of them have their strengths and weaknesses. Despite how long apart you are from them, it's all too easy to fall back into the trappings that made you crazy around them. This is what happened to me.

Things were great for the first couple of months. The usual problems were there and were dealt with accordingly. It was the ones I'd forgotten about that got the better of me. You see I'd forgotten how unrelenting and manipulative my mother can be when she disagrees with something. She's not as bad now as when we were younger, and I don't mean to make her sound like royal bitch. She's not, but she has been caught and called out when doing it. So a quick catch up and I'll resume my story. I was supposed to leave around Oct/Nov of last year. I was convinced I should stay since I'd be returning for Thanksgiving, and (again a month later) for Xmas. It made sense so I stayed with a rescheduled mid February departure. The situation with my sister is what prompted me to stay. Because I was feeling rather uneasy about what was going on with her, and not knowing what to do. I was feeling somewhat helpless. This is when mom decided to strike. Basically she incessantly nags, questions your decisions, and expresses every single fear she has over whatever it is you want to do. It's annoying and I fight it. Eventually you stop resisting just so she'll think you've acquiesced, when you really only wanted her to stop. It's at this point when you're so worn down that her fears start to become your own. Since I was already worried about my sister at the time, it wasn't much of a stretch for the other stuff to creep in. So in short, I got scared about what I had already planned, had done, and still want to do. When I came to and realized what had happened I was pissed. Very indignant also because of some of the things she'd said. This, in light of me being the one who is debt free and owns his own home while she still owes more than half for hers.

What's kind of strange is that my sister was driving me to leave, but was weeks before her situation went south. After is when she began encouraging me to enroll in the culinary arts program. Understandably so given what was going on. She wants me to stick around. She didn't want my mom to say anything to me about the leftovers incident. Mainly because it resulted in exactly what followed. By the way mom took responsibility for it and even tried to talk to sis about it. Sis wasn't having any of it and avoided the topic. She also hasn't even addressed it with me. I can understand not doing so at the time, but it's been a couple of weeks. I'm not gonna nag her about it, but I do feel some sort of explanation is due given that I was the one being dragged through the mud here.

I'm also ditching out on the culinary arts program because of what tuition will cost as an out of state resident. It's four times the amount. Technically I can prove that I've been here for the time required, but part of that means giving up my Texas state residency. There is no way in hell that I'll ever become a resident of California ever again. State leadership here is morally and financially bankrupt. Now there may be a way around it, but then again why bother when I'm leaving. It doesn't have to be here, and I can do this elsewhere.

My father kind of stays out of it. Mostly he sits in his recliner watching kung fu soap operas all day. He's earned that, but doing that all of the time is also a huge part of the problem. He complains about the medication he has to take and how my mother never cooks anything that is safe for his diabetes and gout ailments. He's right about the food, but he also doesn't do a lot to help himself in other ways. We've been doing our best to encourage the man to get out and walk. He doesn't have to walk a marathon, just any amount of distance and time will do. Case and point, he's taking pills due to a deficiency. This is the kind of deficiency that is cured by getting some sunlight. His other issues can be helped by just walking. He's also skipping out on the kind of examinations anyone of his age and gender should be doing. He doesn't like the discomfort he has to go through, and has developed somewhat of a defeatists attitude regarding if they were to discover something fatal. He is as stubborn as the animal year he was born to. The year of the Ox. My father also has anger issues. He explodes instead of dealing with things in a patient manner, often times towards my mother. It's gotten worse over the last few years in that he explodes over things that he has no control over, nor should he ever care about. He's very careful around my sister, but this is only because he knows she'll cut him off from seeing his grandson. She's already had to correct some behaviors the little guy picked up from gramp's. There's already a time when he was cutoff because of it. His negative behaviors are toxic as I caught myself slipping into them a few times.

You reach a point where you're no longer helping and everything is a wasted effort. This is where I'm at with my family. Leftovers-gate is simply what finally woke me up. So I've made my plans and will be leaving here soon. I've got a few weeks before I go due to some loose ends that need tying up. I won't be staying on my property as was previously planned, but will be stopping by there to get the real estate agent moving on it's sale. I won't disclose where I'll be until after I've arrived. I can say that I'm taking a bit of a chance with my new plans, but the rewards will definitely be worth it. At least for me and my life. I may fall flat on my face but I've done that before and know how to pick myself back up.

Watching The Wheels (Original Remaster) by John Lennon And Yoko Ono on Grooveshark

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